It's been a few days since I've had a chance to just sit down and collect my thoughts. I don't remember a time in my life when I've felt so completely exhausted (physically, mentally, and even emotionaly). This week has been full of more downs than ups, more emotional spending than I think my account can afford to give. Mom wanted to try and feel a bit independent on Tuesday and as a result she ended up taking a trip via ambulance to the local ER. PRAISE GOD...she didn't end up breaking her hip. Her right thigh and hip ended up taking the brunt of the fall. I was there on the couch just only a few feet away. I didn't even know she was attempting to go out on her own. I had such a hard time not blaming myself for this since I was still right there in the same room with her. I can't blame my Mom for wanting to try and do some things on her own. I can't even begin to be able to relate to what she must be feeling by loosing her indpendence. I got to thinking about this more as I've been able to dibrief this incident in my own mind. I don't know how many times my Mom has sat on the same couch I did that day and watch me fall as well. Sure it's not the same situation but I know that I've made poor choices and have fallen and the pain that I experienced could not be treated at your local ER.
I don't know how many times my family and me have reminded Mom to use her walker or to make sure she has some sort of walking assistance. None the less she decided to go against our advice and strike out on her own. It was so hard not to be mad at her that afternoon. I'm grateful beyond words that she only bruised her hip and nothing major came as a result of this fall. I don't want to over spiritualize the situation but I just couldn't help but be reminded of how much my Mom loves me and how painful it must have been for her to watch me fall even when I was just an outstretched hand away. I can't even fathom what God must experience in my life on a daily basis. If the tally was being added up I would have cleaned out the blood bank with the number of life saving transfusions God has given me.
As I said it's been a rough week. Mom passed out during treatment on Wed. due to her blood pressure tanking. I've never been so scared and upset to see this happen to her. She's had a rough go of it in trying to regain her strength and energy. She was asked to come in and do just an hour and a half treatment today but just a little over an hour into the treatment she was already begining to experience similiar symptoms to Wednesday's episode. They weren't able to complete her dialysis. This means Mom comes home wet (with fluid still needing to taken off). This makes her heart pump harder due to the fact that their is fluid building up around her heart which over time as the volume increases she then goes into CHF. We don't have dialysis on Friday (March 2) so that means she won't be going for another treatment until Saturday morning. I'm already praying that we can make it that far without running into the CHF problem. I'm praying that we will be able to make it that far without having to go to St. Mary's.
Well it's getting late and as I've begun this entry Mom has already rang for me once due to some severe cramping in her legs. Mom has almost zero tolerance to pain medication due to the fact that it makes her real sick. This makes it hard when your having to deal with as much as she is experiencing with her leg ulcers and not a severe bruised hip. I'm sure before this night is over I will be called another one or two times. My sleep pattern has become much like a driver learning to drive a stick shift.
I wanted to share more tonight but I'm fighting the ZZZzzz. Perhaps I'll have some more time on Friday since we'll probably be snowed in with our second big winter storm. I was so excited to have January and February marked off on the calendar. I'm begining to despise cold and snowy weather.
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