Christmas 2007

This time of the year is always amazing because Mom and family always made it all the more special. I was reminded of that the other day when I was flying home from a recent trip. I knew I was getting closer to home when I looked out the window down to the white covered ground. Since attending college in California this made it all the more exciting. Mom will be missed this year but I do know she is truly home for Christmas. I struggle to wrap myself around that hope but know that she is having probably the best Christmas ever.

My brother Randy and me have recorded a few different audio Christmas cards and have shared them with friends and family. We only had the chance to record two with Mom but even in those times shared, we had the chance to capture some great stories and moments. This year we recorded a new one and highlighted some great memories with Mom.  I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. Thank you for joining us in the journey this year.

In The Moment

I haven't done much blogging lately. However I needed to be with Mom this afternoon and after I dropped off my brother Richard to pick up his tractor down near Mom and Dad's cemetery I wanted to swing by their little corner spot. It was nice to finally not have to fight off the mosquitoes and horseflies. Every time I leave their little resting spot I feel inspired and reminded of how amazing they were to me and how awesome parents I had the honor of having. Just as the sun was setting I saw a little silhouette of an angel on top of one of the monuments in the cemetery. The sky was so amazing so I snapped a quick photo with my phone and I think it captures best what I experienced this afternoon. Thanks Mom and Dad for being with me once again "In The Moment".

The Day America Changed Forever 9 - 11

Here is a photograph I took on a trip to NYC in the winter of 2002 with my brother. This is the steel beam cross that was on-site at ground zero for many years.

Happy Birthday...

Dear. Mom

For your birthday this weekend I thought I'd write a note to you.
You've been on my mind a lot this week. The goldenrod is in full bloom along the side of the road and you always reminded me that this meant fall was in the air. It won't be long now until the leaves will soon follow and before we know it, fall will be in full swing.

The summer has gone by fast as Maine summers seem to always do. One day the calendar says it's the Fourth of July and the next weekend seems like Labor Day. Those seven to eight weeks in between seem but a blur. It was very strange to not see any sort of a garden out in front of the house this year. Probably I'd guess to say that this was the first year the Corey farm has never had some sort of garden. I was reminded the other day when late last summer you ventured down to the garden on your own and you took a little tumble, you were okay and everything. You just sort of sat there until you heard someone drive up the driveway. Sure enough your granddaughter Hannah heard your hollers and came down to your rescue. Hard to believe that was only a year ago.

I was looking through some pictures the other day. I remember I took some shots of you and your sunflowers a few summers ago. I can remember how impressed you were with how well they did. I'm thankful I was able to capture that memory through some of the pictures we did that afternoon.

The family stays busy with life and all that is going on. Ron finally has some new wheels and he is on the road to recovery. It's amazing how many similarities the two of you share. It was very hard to be back at St. Mary's hospital the last week or so. Ron was literally just two doors down on the same wing where you were admitted when you first started dialysis. Each time I walked past your old room a part of me wanted to just check to see if you were in there. So...Mom you'd be proud of Ron for what he went through in having his knees replaced just like you had done 7 1/2 years ago. We're looking forward to a much better quality of life for Ron as he becomes more mobile.

The Farmington Fair is just a few weeks away and remember what we did last year Mom? I can't believe this still but I remember you walked up and down those stairs to the exhibition hall. In fact you walked the whole time we were there with barely any assistance. I was so proud of you and more than anything thankful that we were able to share that time together.

So Mom on this birthday you can tell for me it's a maze of both the present and the past. I think that is what is the hardest thing for me right now. I'm trying to be present in this "moment" but I'm also not wanting to forget (and never will) all the "last" things that we experienced together. I mean even the simple things catch me off guard and bring me right back to moments with you. I was walking in Wal-Mart just last night and passed the juice isle and their was your little Welch's white grape juice bottles. You burned through a lot of those and I just remember how much comfort those brought you. There are so many simple things Mom that all add up. So what I'm trying to say Mom is once again thank you for all those things that make me laugh and cry at the same time.

You will be thought of often this weekend. We will not forget you Mom and on your birthday weekend we will celebrate your life and all the gifts you gave to each one.

Happy Birthday Mom!
I miss and love you so much!
With deep admiration.
Your Son,
Rodney

Updated Photos

I haven't updated my photos in awhile so I added some new ones today.
Here is the link:
Rodney's Photos

Tiger Time

Went to Detroit Tigers game tonight with some friends of mine (my left
Trevor and his Dad Terry Prisk). Oakland beat Detroit but it was still
fun to see a game there. Trevor was able snag me a practice ball so
that was cool. While at the game my brother Ron called me and it looks
like the surgery went well. They already have him on a machine that is
moving his new knee now. I'm thankful that the procedure went well.
I'll be hiting the road to visit some places in Michigan later in the
week, more updates soon to come.

The View from the Summit

I've been in Michigan for almost a week now and I have had an amazing experience last week attending the Leadership
Summit. I attended it with some church friends out here. We watched via satellite feed from a church in Troy Michigan. This was my first year attending and I can say that it will become a part of my August every year now. There was so much to digest that it's hard to even put to words. I'll have a lot more to say about this experience in the days and weeks ahead.

My time away has been amazing and it's hard to believe that I'm on week number three. This time next Monday I will be on a flight returning back to Maine. I've really not been able to spend a lot of time in depth with what I've been able to experience and do over the last few weeks. I'm grateful for the technology of my iPhone since it allows me to post pictures and content to my blog site right from my phone. However, it is a little cumbersome to write long postings using the tiny keyboard on the phone.

With all that I've been experiencing lately I still can't seem to shake the experience I had at Mt. St. Helens a week ago Saturday. It was spontaneous and I'll remember the look Lisa gave me when I said "Hey Lisa, have you ever been up in a helicopter before?". I posted a few pictures last week about that amazing adventure. At first I was a little disappointed because the rim of the volcano was clouded in. Despite the visibility it was very clear that slowly nature was taking its course and regrowth and restoration from that eruption was taking place. Thousands of trees have been hand planted and the vegetation in its various stages are reclaiming what was once lost. Lisa took some great photos of the trip and here is a shot that I think really shows how nature is in a sense being re-born. It's funny cause literally seconds before we boarded the helicopter my camera decided to go on the blitz. I still shot video but something had reset on my LCD display on my camera and flipped literally everything upside down. It was pretty interesting to shoot. I looked at the footage and sure enough it came out fine. After about ten minutes into the flight I stopped shooting footage and just took in the scenery. I was just in a awe of the amazing power and strength of what a mountain can do when it literally blows its top off. In retrospect I'm thankful that I was just able to put down the camera for a bit and take in the full beauty of what was surrounding me. I was able to relate in a way I didn't realize. This mountain and me shared a lot in common. The eruptions of the past season of my life are now claiming new ground as well. That day I was not to see the source of the destruction because the clouds were there. My focus was redirected to the valley of healing and restoration and I viewed life being made whole again right in front of my eyes. Animals were grazing again, water was flowing and life was returning.

The tourist trap became the teachable moment that day. Now I have had two mountain top experiences. The last two and half days at the Leadership Summit have also been transforming. I've learned from the summit to claim ownership of one's vision and to keep motivated and crystal clear in direction and intention. My last week while away I'm praying that I don't miss the whisper of what that will look like in my life. I'm so grateful for having the opportunity to be able to take this time and digest all the things that I have been processing. I can't thank enough the amazing Prisk family and Terry specifically for inviting me out here. You all have been amazing. This is where I am staying while out here in Michigan. A family here has been so kind to let me stay at their house while there gone during this month. I literally having this lake-side home to myself. It's been amazing to say the least. I am looking forward to this week. It has been a long time since I've just been able to clear off a whole week to just be still and be reminded that God does have a perfect plan for me. I am claiming ownership of that promise once again. I found this verse in Jeremiah today and I thought it was fitting in relating to both mountain top experiences I've had in the last week and a half.


Jeremiah 17:8 (NIV)
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

As I finish this blog post I'm thinking of my brother Ron right now and praying for good news as he has his first of two knee replacement operations. Knee one this week and knee two a week from today. I'm so excited about Ron's new wheels. I'm praying for a full recovery and strength for the therapy journey.

OH and here is a cool link of what the current conditions of Mt. St. Helen's looks like. There is a webcam located at one of the observation areas. Mt. St. Helen's Live VolcanoCams.

Off To Michigan

Wow, what an awesome week in the northwest. I can't say thank you
enough to my good college friend Lisa for hosting me for the week. The
time did fly by and we packed a lot in. The pacific northwest is
beautiful. I haven't had a chance to upload all my photos but I hope
to be able to do that while I'm Minnesota during my layover. Well I'm
off to Michigan and will have a very unique opportunity with a very
cool pastor and his church. On Thursday through Saturday I will be
attending Willow Creeks Leadership Summit. I've heard nothing but
awesome things about this conference so I am really looking forward to
that time. This picture was taken in downtown Portland in what is
almost much like their city center. I thought it was cool because if
you look at the top of the sign you'll see a mileage marker for
Portland Maine. Not sure what time will allow over the next few days
but will try to keep my travels updated as much as possible. My next
blog will be about my experience flying over Mt. St. Helens. I
couldn't help but notice restoration in action and what similarities I
share with a mountain that erupted over 27 years ago. I'm typing on my
iPhone and I'm starting to get a stiff neck sitting on this plane seat
so I'll write more about my volcano teachable moment when I'm back on
my laptop.

Multnomah Falls

After church this morning we headed to some cool water falls just
outside of Portland.

Mt. St. Helens

Today was a very cool day. We toured Mt. St. Helens by helicopter. Unfortunately the peak was clouded in but overall the tour was amazing. Here are a few shots from today's adventure.

Not A Win But A Lot Of Fun

Even though our offense didn't come out on top it was a great game and
a long time wish of mine to catch a Red Sox game in Seattle. Off to
Mt. Saint Helens tomorrow morning (Saturday). I'll be posting more
photos from today's Seattle trip.

Game Time

Our seats are kind of high (three rows from the top) but were in the
game and just 30 minutes until game time! Go Red Sox!

Getting Ready For the Game!

Arrived in Seattle mid morning. Having a great time and I have already
met a number of fans from Boston that flew out to the game. Just went
to the Farmers Market and had an amazing experience with the guys that
throw the fish. I'll have to write more about that later. Having lunch
and the Public Market sign is right at eye level. Seattle is such a
cool city. We will be headed to the Sox game in a few hours...really
looking forward to it. I'll send more updates later.

Portland, OR Day Two

Today was a chill day after spending the morning with some college friends. We were going to head up to Seattle this afternoon but have decided to strike out first thing on Friday morning. I just checked the Red Sox website and the pitcher that I wanted to see will be on the mound Friday night John Lester. So I'm really looking forward to the game and to tour downtown Seattle. It's been a number of years since I've been back in that city.

Tonight (Thursday 8/2) we went downtown and ate at Baja Fresh and the caught a movie called Once. It was a good flick. A unique movie that was more musical than drama but a very strong emotional connection the characters.

After the movie we went downtown for a bit and stumbled upon a sports-action photography exhibition called Ilume sponsored by Red Bull. There were some very cool photos taken by some talented photographers from around the world. I took a few shots with my iPhone. Tomorrow is going to be a full day so I need to head to bed. I'll write more tomorrow.

Finally Baja Fresh

Its one thing to eat at Baja Fresh and another when you eat for free.
Thanks Lisa for the free coupon for my meal tonight. It was amazing as usual!

Catching me blogging on my iPhone

, originally uploaded by Lisa Burch.

Here I am blogging on my iPhone waiting for some friends for Happy Hour.

Lisa and Me

, originally uploaded by Lisa Burch.

Lisa and me at the Goonies Rock along the Oregon coast. An awesome day !

Breakfast With Buddies

Had a great morning with some college buddies of mine from Azusa Pacific University. It was great to catch up.

First picture: Me on Dain's and his wife Sarah's rope swing. It was pretty intense. The picture doesn't do it justice at all. It was a blast!

Second Picture: Dain and his wife Sarah

Third Picture: Dain, Sarah, Me and Lisa my good friend from APU.

Fourth Picture: Butch and Sandy Strobel (Dain's parents) and Dain & Sarah. So great to see them after almost ten years.

Oregon Coast Photos

More photos from Wednesday's trip to the Oregon coast can be found at this link:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rodneycorey

Oregon Coast Sunset

Had an amazing day along the northern part of the Oregon coast
yesterday. This is a sunset photo taken at Haystack Rock.

Day Two Continued

The Oregon coast is amazing, more photos to come.

Day Two

Woke up this morning and my luggage was outside my door. So the
luggage fairy came in the night. On our way to the Oregon coast today.
On our way we stopped by to grab a bite for breakfast and two of my
favorite places right next to each other! Jamba Juice and Panera
Bread. I'll be posting more photos from today later.

Day One

Well here is my first entry in my three week adventure. I'm on my way to the west coast and today I'm flying from Portland ME to Portland OR. I'm using my iPhone to do most of my postings so bare with me if things look a bit different. Well as I write this I'm suposed to be on
my way to Detroit but as fate would find it I missed my flight this
morning because the security line was crazy to say the least. I need
to give a shout out to my awesome brother for taking me to the airport this morning and sticking with me through the whole ordeal. Well so now I wont be getting into Oregon until late afternoon or early evening depending on what all goes down in Minneapolis it seems that Im going to have to fly standby for my connecting flight. Lets hope I make the first connection and not have to wait for the second one. Pictured below is my empty gate where my flight left without me. It should be an interesting day of travel. I hope I make it out there in time to catch up with some of my college friends. Over the course of the next three weeks I'll be posting daily photos and logs of my travels. I'll do my best to keep it updated.

Look Mom I know how to keep flowers alive!

I have to say that I was pretty impressed when I saw the flowers at
Mom and Dad's grave site. I had no idea how big they have gotten. This is just a quick blog with a picture update. I will write more soon.

A Little Vacation

Just returned from a great Florida vacation. A lot of fun and relaxation. I don't suggest JetBlue for your travel since they lost our luggage and cancelled our flights both to Florida and also on our return. Other than that it was great. Here are a few photos from the trip.

I Miss You...

I sat out in the front yard later in the afternoon yesterday on the picnic table and caught a smell of your flower garden. It immediately brought be back to our times in the garden together. I wish you could have been there with me mom. It seems as time goes on I miss you even more than the day before. Life just isn't as fun with out you having your touch and hand in the mix of just everyday things.

Gatherings are empty. Events are incomplete. Laughter comes harder.

Your presence gave so much to just the simple things of life. Your essence of being in the moment and enjoying the gifts life have to offer were contagious. I miss not having that source of encouragement daily. I know we said each day was a gift and it truly was. I miss not being able to open that gift each day with you.

Mom your iris's are blooming and there looking pretty good considering your not here to enjoy them. Thanks for allow us to enjoy them. Your amazing legacy continues to blossom.

One Week Ago Today

It's been one week from today since mom's passing. I will always remember that Wed. night for the rest of my life. How many families go outside and light fireworks after a loved one has passed away? I'd have to say that was pretty unique. One neighbor commented that when they heard and saw the fireworks they knew exactly what had taken place. Life is trying to start again and I have to admit its harder than I thought it was going to be. I was driving around just trying to get some things done and I don't know how many times I just wanted to pick up the phone and call the farm just to check to see how mom was doing. It gets even worse...at the grave side service I kept checking to see who was helping mom.

The next few week, days and months ahead will be hard to say the least. I was reading some of my old blog entries. Mom and I went through a journey together that has changed my life. I needed her just as much as she needed me. I assumed that the journey would be over once mom had reached her destination. Don't get me wrong I am so happy that she is now over her pain and suffering those are things that I try to cling to when I become overwhelmed with grief. However, there is a huge hole and gap in my life now that she is gone. I now have my own new journey to embark on without her. It just feels so strange not having her carpool by my side.

Mom I miss you so much and I know that in time things will settle down a bit. It just feels right now at this intersection of the journey that things feel bigger than I'm able to handle. I know that we shared this verse together quite a few times so I'm going to cling to it's promise once again. It helped us through our time together and I pray that it will do the same once again.

Phil 4:6
Don't be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds.

Mission Complete !

Mom, thank you for allowing me to love you and serve you over these last ten months. It has been truly an honor and blessing to have joined you along in this journey. I can't say enough about how amazing our family were in rising to the occassion to honor you in this way. The Lord gave us a tough assignment but we took each moment by moment.

You have no more...

meds
dialysis
nurses & doctors (their unemployed in heaven)
pain
Prostate (ask Mom about that later...)
artifical knees

Your whole and complete now Mom.

Thank you again for being such an amazing Mom to the family and me. Words can't begin to express what you've given me.
I love you to the core of my being for how amazing you have been in my life.

Lovingly Your Son,
Rodney

Thank You!

Thank you! Mom your amazing and we love you so much! Mom has decided to discontinue dialysis. It will now just be a matter of time before she will be home with the Lord. Mom has taught me so much through this journey I can't even begin to describe it in words here. I will write more as this week unfolds but for now our family would love to hear from you. If you have any stories, special moments with Mom or words of encouragement we would love for you to share them. Mom now has her own blog where you can post your own comments. Click on this link and you will be taken to her blog where you can share your stories, memories and words of encouragement. We would love for you to be able to share in this journey with us. Thanks again for your continued love, prayers and support during this time.

Vera Corey Blog

Mother's Day

It's the morning of Mother's Day. Today will be a very special day with Mom and our family together for what will be my last Mother's Day with Mom. The gift that she has given me to be able to love and care for her during this time will make the most lasting and profound impact on me. I'm going to savor every moment today. I pray that it will be a good day and that Mom will feel love and support in a way that she has never experienced before. My head is pretty cloudy. I was able to get away for the night and get some rest. It's hard to not to want to be around Mom all the time now because each moment is fleeting and when I hug, kiss or just love on Mom I never know if that could be the last time. All I do know for sure is that God let us have Mom for this special day and I'm grateful. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM ! I LOVE YOU !

Don't Know What To Say

Mom has started to say her goodbye's as family and friends come to visit her. Mom will discontinue dialysis over the course of the next few days. I'm not sure what to say or how to feel about her situation. I was laying on the coach the other night just watching family gather around the kitchen table and other places through the house. I just wanted to freeze time and capture the moment and savor it for all that it was worth.

I will write more I'm just completely exhausted. The next few days will probably be the hardest experience I will have to face for someone I love so dearly. This Mother's Day will be extra special.

It's In Her Eyes

I can't sleep and I'm restless tonight. It's hard to to see this look on my Mom but her eyes say it all. She's in transition and awaiting her appointed time. I'm not ready but once again I'm trying to remember this is not about me and has never been. I'm sleeping (or trying to) with my window open for the first time this year. Once again a reminder that the seasons are transitioning and more so in my life than just leaves budding or flowers blooming. This new season that is approaching can't be marked by a calendar or clock.

As much as Mom is anxious and fearful I also share the same sentiment. For once in my almost thirty-five years of life I will now have no living parents. I will still have family which I am thankful for greatly. However, there will be a void that will be impossible to fill. This support system will not be at my own disposal. My life is changing right before my very eyes and I'm having a real hard time in dealing with my Mom not being a part of my life. She has been my everything to me.

It's going on almost 2:30 in the morning and my eyes are getting heavy. I will try and get some sleep before another morning comes. I'm trying to do my best to keep it together. Mom told me I need to be brave just the other day. Wow! That's a word I haven't heard from my Mom since I was a kid. I'm trying my best to keep it together and be strong for Mom. I feel I'm almost at my breaking point and when that time comes I'm going to fall hard.

Spring is one of Mom's favorite times of the year. Today we sat on the porch and literally could almost watch the little green buds push their way open to create this new canvas of leaves on the trees. Mom's eyes say it all...she is looking forward to her new season. Her new season also can't be found on a calendar or clock either.

Arm Wrestling With God

I've been wanting to put some thoughts down for over a month now. The last few weeks have been hard to say the least. I'm wearing myself out arm wrestling with God. It's been difficult to explain or even understand for that matter but lately I've become bitter with how this journey is ending. I'm new to this journal online thing and I feel a bit vulnerable with being so open and honest with feelings but I guess that's what is part of the process.

Since my last post in April Mom's health and over-all quality of life has deteriorated considerably. Her apetite has become almost non-existent because it is hard for her to swallow and her stomach is almost constantly creating naseau. About three weeks ago we converted the living room and moved in a hospital bed. It was hard to see the realities of this make-shift bedroom. Fortunately Mom's sleep has improved somewhat since this transition.

Mom has come to the realization of her condition and how it is not improving. One of the dialysis Dr.'s explained it well when she said how one of the goals of dialysis is to help maintain and improve one's quality of life. Mom is having a difficult time with deciding when to discontinue dialysis. She understands that once she stops treatment her time will be short. Unfotunately the reality is, that time is near.

Recently Mom has expressed that she is not sure how much longer she will be able to endure dialysis treatments. The bottom line is Mom is tired and she feels she has had enough. We talked about this over the weekend and I expressed my concern that it would be a great gift if Mom could enjoy one more Mother's Day with us. As I write this on the Monday night of the week of Mother's Day, we are now full embracing each day as a gift. Mom has chosen to enudure dialysis this week so that Lord willing if possible we can be together one more Mother's Day as a family. By this weekend we will see where things are at and then Mom will make some decisions and choices as to what the future timeline will unfold.

I have been bitter with God a lot lately. I don't recommend arm wrestling with God but I would be lying if I didn't confess that we've been doing a lot of wrestling. I know I'm not suposed to be questioning God and all but it's been real hard to embrace this season when all the while Mom and myself have been praying for other end results.

I understand that this is just a season I'm experiencing during this stage but I must be candid that this is what I'm struggling with right now. Fortunately I just recieved in the mail today from Amazon.com some books that I've ordered. Henri Nouwen is my all-time favorite author and he has written a number of amazing books. One of the books is entitled The Greatest Gift which is a meditation about caring and dying. I haven't had a chance to read it yet because as soon as it came in the mail today my brother Ray picked up and hasn't put it down yet. The other book, again by the same author is entitled In Memoriam This book is an intimate reflection on the loss of Henri Nouwen's mother. I was blown away by the fact that he had written about book about the loss of his Mom.

I'm looking forward to digging into these books over the next few days. Through his insight and reflection I'm hoping to be able to process this bitter stage that I'm fighting with right now with God. On the back cover of In Memoriam is a quote that caught my attention it says...

"When a mother or father dies, the mystery of life reveals itself to us. It is precisely in the moments when we are most human, most in touch with what binds us together, that we discover the hidden depth of life." ---Henri J.M. Nouwen

I'm sure that I will be processing a lot more in the upcoming days. It's hard to be wrestling with God during this time. I'm hoping that this is just one part of the grieving process. Even in the midst of all of this, Mom continues to be so amazing. Her endurance and stamina continually amaze me.

Tribute To Mom At The Event 2007

Mom was honored at East Auburn's Easter production The Event. Below is a link to the photos from the tribute that was shared by many family and friends on March 31, 2007.

Easter 2007 The Event

A Hard Week...

Mom continues to have an amazing spirit about her. It's really hard to describe or understand. She returned from the Dr.'s yesterday with the news that her shingles have returned. I was so angry and upset at God it's been a hard 24 hours to say the least. Mom reminded me that His ways are higher than our ways...but non the less the realization of what this may mean for Mom and her pain has really overwhelmed me. The sad thing is I don't mean to make this about me cause it's not. I'm only trying to serve and be available for my Mom. I will continue to love on her with the core of my being. I just wish God's voice would be more audible and His hand more present. I'm learning about prayer and trust like I've never embraced before.

I pray that there is a way God can intervene and help with her pain in her legs from the ulcers she has. God please...she has been such a faithful servant to you please pour your blessing down on her life and please give hope, comfort and strength. Know that she is loved beyond measure.

Please help continue to give me the strength I need and a servants heart to journey with my Mom and support her as best I know how. Help me with my belief in you and forgive me for my doubt and fear. Lord help me with my belief and forgive me for my unbelief.

Thank you God for this song. I know it's been on Christian radio a lot lately but for some reason it just found its way into my iPod just yesterday.

John Waller - The Blessing
From the album The Blessing

Chorus:
Let it be said of us
While we walked among the living
Let it be said of us
By the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That we lived to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us
By the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us
That our legacy is blessing for life

This day
You set life, you set death right before us,
This day
Every blessing and curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us
That our hearts belonged to Jesus Let it be said of us
That we spoke the words of life
Let it be said of us
That our heritage is blessing for life

For your Kingdom, for our Children
For the sake of every nation

The Journey Continues

It's been a few weeks since I've been able to catch up on my thoughts. I'm a bit blurry-eyed this morning since last night I stayed up with Mom for most of the evening. As I write this she is over to the wound care clinic having her leg ulcers looked at. We're finding that her body is fighting itself when dealing with stress and as a result her lower legs end up having painful nerve sores. A specialist looked at this condition last week and said that this is a condition that happens with dialysis patients. Due to Mom's overly sensitive stomach she is not able to handle hardly any of the nerve pain medications that are available. This really creates a dilemma because when she has this chronic nerve pain this can sometimes send her heart into irregular rhythms. The professionals have more detailed names for her heart when it is in this condition but I don't know how to spell those names. Either way when her heart is in that condition she is much more vulnerable to stroke and other complications with her breathing.

Looking at Mom's bible and all it's torn and weathered pages is pretty amazing. Come to find out her bible was Dad's old one. Each page has different descriptions and highlights. The contents of her bible could be framed and hung as a work of art. One verse found in Philipians has been a great source of encouragement for me.

The reference is Phil. 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer
and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests
be made known to God; and the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts
and minds through Christ Jesus.

I'm learning to try and take each day as it comes. I hate to wish away time but it's also so hard for me to not be anxious as well. Not too long ago I was handed an envelope with a piece of paper inside. The contents and what was written on that short little note brought me to tears. I scanned the note and this is what it said:

Sarah also had ready to put in the envelope $9.00 I just couldn't believe someone so young would just be so open and ready to want to love on me. This seven year-old has not seen me in over seven months and yet without being prompted she wanted to share her love and concern.

I'm learning a lot in this process of loving and serving my Mom. I never imagined a circumstance or situation would afford so many teachable moments.

I plan on seeing Sarah soon and giving her a big hug and tell her thank you for loving on me in an amazing way.

Rebound...We Hope !

Mom came back to the farm on Sunday afternoon March 5th. We seem to be holding onto a more stable pattern this week for the most part. Thanks again for your prayers and support.
We're taking each day at a time and like I've mentioned before each day is a gift!
I'll update and write more later.

The Begining Of The End

As I write this I am so overcome with grief and emotion. I have no idea why I'm trying to express or convey thoughts on this blog but I'll try to sift through my layers and process the best way I know how.

One of my Mom's favorite verses is taken from Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

Mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday morning at St. Mary's. Her chest pains were becoming a bit too much to handle. We brought her down and battled the snow storm. The reality of this trip means that Mom's heart is starting to really get tired and worn out. I know that Mom's thinks the same. She struggled through the three hour dialysis treatment last night and she was barely able to sustain the process.

This could very well be her last trip to the hospital before we do bring her home to the farm in order to get her ready for her own homecoming. Until this intersection of the road my prayers have been completely selfish. I've not wanted to let her go and I still don't. However, I am clinging to the joy that Mom has a lot of reunions awaiting her arrival.

Randy (my brother)his wife Jen and me have been able to start the grieving process together and we did just that this morning by reflecting and remembering some great times and moments with Mom. I'll try to do my best to process my journey here. I have more to write and share and will do that once I can cling to one of my Mom's favorite verses I posted above. I will lift my eyes to the hills for the one that wants to provide me help is the same person that actually made the heaven and earth. It doesn't get any bigger or better than that! God help me know and understand that you will not give me more than I will be able to handle today.

MOM I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Not sure what to say or feel...

It's been a few days since I've had a chance to just sit down and collect my thoughts. I don't remember a time in my life when I've felt so completely exhausted (physically, mentally, and even emotionaly). This week has been full of more downs than ups, more emotional spending than I think my account can afford to give. Mom wanted to try and feel a bit independent on Tuesday and as a result she ended up taking a trip via ambulance to the local ER. PRAISE GOD...she didn't end up breaking her hip. Her right thigh and hip ended up taking the brunt of the fall. I was there on the couch just only a few feet away. I didn't even know she was attempting to go out on her own. I had such a hard time not blaming myself for this since I was still right there in the same room with her. I can't blame my Mom for wanting to try and do some things on her own. I can't even begin to be able to relate to what she must be feeling by loosing her indpendence. I got to thinking about this more as I've been able to dibrief this incident in my own mind. I don't know how many times my Mom has sat on the same couch I did that day and watch me fall as well. Sure it's not the same situation but I know that I've made poor choices and have fallen and the pain that I experienced could not be treated at your local ER.
I don't know how many times my family and me have reminded Mom to use her walker or to make sure she has some sort of walking assistance. None the less she decided to go against our advice and strike out on her own. It was so hard not to be mad at her that afternoon. I'm grateful beyond words that she only bruised her hip and nothing major came as a result of this fall. I don't want to over spiritualize the situation but I just couldn't help but be reminded of how much my Mom loves me and how painful it must have been for her to watch me fall even when I was just an outstretched hand away. I can't even fathom what God must experience in my life on a daily basis. If the tally was being added up I would have cleaned out the blood bank with the number of life saving transfusions God has given me.
As I said it's been a rough week. Mom passed out during treatment on Wed. due to her blood pressure tanking. I've never been so scared and upset to see this happen to her. She's had a rough go of it in trying to regain her strength and energy. She was asked to come in and do just an hour and a half treatment today but just a little over an hour into the treatment she was already begining to experience similiar symptoms to Wednesday's episode. They weren't able to complete her dialysis. This means Mom comes home wet (with fluid still needing to taken off). This makes her heart pump harder due to the fact that their is fluid building up around her heart which over time as the volume increases she then goes into CHF. We don't have dialysis on Friday (March 2) so that means she won't be going for another treatment until Saturday morning. I'm already praying that we can make it that far without running into the CHF problem. I'm praying that we will be able to make it that far without having to go to St. Mary's.
Well it's getting late and as I've begun this entry Mom has already rang for me once due to some severe cramping in her legs. Mom has almost zero tolerance to pain medication due to the fact that it makes her real sick. This makes it hard when your having to deal with as much as she is experiencing with her leg ulcers and not a severe bruised hip. I'm sure before this night is over I will be called another one or two times. My sleep pattern has become much like a driver learning to drive a stick shift.
I wanted to share more tonight but I'm fighting the ZZZzzz. Perhaps I'll have some more time on Friday since we'll probably be snowed in with our second big winter storm. I was so excited to have January and February marked off on the calendar. I'm begining to despise cold and snowy weather.

Music & Movies

Just sort of a little diversion from the normal post. I'm so thankful for music and movies.

I just saw probably one of the most spirit filled movies since Passion of The Christ and your not going to believe what it is. Bridge To Terabithia I know call me crazy but once again Walden Media have hit a home run with this feature film. I love it when I attend a movie and sort of have no expections which was the case with this flick. I was blown away by the message and depth of this film.

Portable Sounds from TobyMac just landed and first this thing this am my iTunes found itself downloading it. All I can say is WOW ! Great album and I've only heard one time so far. Here is the iTunes link TobyMac Portable Sounds

Thank you God for creativity and artists that take the vision to reality!
I've needed these two things in my life this week more than words can express here.

Thank You...

The previous night I was a bit nervous and anxious about how it would go. Thank you God for peace and comfort.

Mom had a great break through today. As I was putting her to bed she pushed herself up off the bed on her own and was free standing with no assistance. I think she even surprised herself. That was a very encouraging shot in the arm for her in lifting her spirits.

We are having quite the major snow storm today and this evening I would say almost one foot of snow already and more is on the way from what they say. I'm beat tonight and need to get some sleep. I just wanted to express my gratitude and thankfulness for God's hand of providence.

Hold My Hand

As I'm anxious for the hours ahead that will carry us to the morning I prayed with Mom tonight and lifted her up and asked that her night of rest will be an extension of her worship to you. As I was looking through her bible this evening I came accross a poem that her dear friend and cousin Edna gave her. It was taped in the back of her bible it is entitled HOLD MY HAND

HOLD MY HAND

Hold my hand, Lord,
Walk me throug the lonliness
And the valley of my sorrow.

Hold onto me when I'm too afraid
To tink about tomorrow,
Let me lean on you Lord,
When I'm too weary to go on.

Hold my hand, Lord
Through the night,
Until I see the light of dawn.

I was anxious tonight because Mom is already having a little bit harder time to breath due to CHF (congestive heart failure). This always get me nervous about what the long night ahead will bring. Tonight Mom and me prayed together bedside and we thanked the Lord that He had taken her cough away and provided comfort and relief. We prayed that the giver of life that enables each breath; to come down and massage her heart and make it work well so that she can rest and sleep as best she can through the night. May God be the one tonight to fill her lungs and body with His breath.

Our prayer was short and simple. However, this prayer is in action even as I type this tonight at 9:48 PM. Only 9 more hours to go. We are asked to be anxious for nothing and give up anything and everything in prayer. These words spoken tonight were not for just comfort and hope but also for action and peace of mind. Thank you for helping us get through tonight. May my Mom's heart beat extra special on this eve of Valentine's Day. Give Mom a good nights sleep tonight God. May those times when I'm anxious and restless please help me to be reminded of the action that is place and that your presence is here and your even in the next room with her guiding each breath and heart beat. I've given it up to you tonight God. Please help me to take assurance and confidence of that fact that your in complete control. Isaih 40 all the way tonight God....renew my Mom's strength tonight....renew my strenth...AMEN !

Thanks for reminding me that prayer is not passive...it's action. You are holding my hand tonight....Thank you!

Be Here Now

Mom has been doing a bit better since returning from the hospital a week ago today. We are trying to get her nutrition under control and to really pump the calories and protein in her. She's been a bit discouraged because her strength is very slow in returning. She at times feels defeated because she does not have the freedom of mobility and heavily relies on others to help her get around. I hope that with her increased appetite the strength will come in time.

I'm learning to do my best with the attitude I call "Be Here Now". Since Mom has been home this is probably the weakest I've seen her and she pretty much relies on me almost on a full time basis. There are times she will get me up in the night 2 to 3 times at random hours just because she is hungry, restless or in some sort of discomfort. It's been hard to adjust but I'm learning to do my best in adjusting with the lack of sound sleep I've been getting over the last week or so. I'm grateful that I've been available to be used during this season with my Mom. Our times of laughter, love, and just being present for her have been so amazing. I would not trade this time for anything. I was reminded even again yesterday that I will look back on this season and have no regret for the rich moment and season we shared together.

I can't help but be sad in hearing of the recent news on Anna Nicole Smith and her death. I try and stay on top of things when coming to pop culture. I feel more sad for how her five month old daughter will not have a parent figure to "Be Here Now" for them. Her mysterious death was very self centered and in my opinion very selfish. Once again the media circus find it in the public's best interest to saturate its air waves with the importance (in their opinion) of this event. The reason why I even make reference to this media story is more for the sake of my own self realization of how selfish I was with my own time before this health situation with my Mom became full blown.

I am so not used to staying home day in and day out with just barely anything real productive to do other than being present and supporting my Mom the best way I know how. I used to at best check in with my Mom two to three times a week and do my best in visiting her when I only lived at that time an hour away. A lot has changed in the last six months and I'm thankful for the teachable moments that have brought me to this place and time with my Mom.

So What's This All About?

I've done some journaling in my life and have enjoyed being able to process some of my thoughts and journeys in a more private arena. Lately I have been able to read some of my friends blog's and I see how articulate and well written and put together they are and I tend to get a little intimidated by their way with words. This has kept me from posting blogs I guess cause in a way I feel that I don't have much to say or if I did why would anyone want to take the time to read it in the first place. I honestly don't know what to think of this blog thing. I like reading other peoples but to think that I have may have something to say or for others to engage in what I'm going through seems pretty crazy to me.

So I have no idea what this blog thing is going to be like for me so I thought well I'll give it a shot and see where it takes me. Like I said I've done journaling before but for the most part those entries have been for my eyes only. I'm going to sort of take you throught the past which has now brought me to the present. Well with that said here I go.

It's A Matter Of The Heart. This is my blog about my journey with my Mom and her struggling with congestive heart failure and her journey of kidney failure which has led to dialysis four times a week. I'm going to use the blog to share with you all the challenges we have been through together over the last six months. This has been and continues to be a day to day adventure. I see each day as a gift with her. So let me bring you up to speed as to what has brought us to this process together.

I moved back in with my Mom back in July of 2006 and became her primary care giver. My four older brothers are around and help a lot but I've taken on the roll to be with her as much as I can on a daily basis. She has to go to dialysis four times a week. We started with only having to go three times but due to some further complications Mom is needing a little jump start in order to get her through the weekend. So she goes in on Saturday's for a two hour mini-dialysis.

I'm so blessed to have such an amazing Mom she continues to be such an inspiration and source of encouragement to me. I aim to give a voice to this journey that I've been on with her over the last six months. As much of a journey that this has been for my Mom and me together in dealing with her sickness, this has also been a reawkening of sorts for me as I also process and deal with some healing of my own. I'm not a very disciplined person so this blog will be hard for me to keep updated and on-going for that matter, but I'll do my best. So I'm going to hit publish now and my first blog will be live and if anything I'll atleast I will see it...It's A Matter of The Heart will reflect not only my Mom's congestive heart failure (CHF) and kidney disease but also my own heart's journey with her.