I Miss You...

I sat out in the front yard later in the afternoon yesterday on the picnic table and caught a smell of your flower garden. It immediately brought be back to our times in the garden together. I wish you could have been there with me mom. It seems as time goes on I miss you even more than the day before. Life just isn't as fun with out you having your touch and hand in the mix of just everyday things.

Gatherings are empty. Events are incomplete. Laughter comes harder.

Your presence gave so much to just the simple things of life. Your essence of being in the moment and enjoying the gifts life have to offer were contagious. I miss not having that source of encouragement daily. I know we said each day was a gift and it truly was. I miss not being able to open that gift each day with you.

Mom your iris's are blooming and there looking pretty good considering your not here to enjoy them. Thanks for allow us to enjoy them. Your amazing legacy continues to blossom.

One Week Ago Today

It's been one week from today since mom's passing. I will always remember that Wed. night for the rest of my life. How many families go outside and light fireworks after a loved one has passed away? I'd have to say that was pretty unique. One neighbor commented that when they heard and saw the fireworks they knew exactly what had taken place. Life is trying to start again and I have to admit its harder than I thought it was going to be. I was driving around just trying to get some things done and I don't know how many times I just wanted to pick up the phone and call the farm just to check to see how mom was doing. It gets even worse...at the grave side service I kept checking to see who was helping mom.

The next few week, days and months ahead will be hard to say the least. I was reading some of my old blog entries. Mom and I went through a journey together that has changed my life. I needed her just as much as she needed me. I assumed that the journey would be over once mom had reached her destination. Don't get me wrong I am so happy that she is now over her pain and suffering those are things that I try to cling to when I become overwhelmed with grief. However, there is a huge hole and gap in my life now that she is gone. I now have my own new journey to embark on without her. It just feels so strange not having her carpool by my side.

Mom I miss you so much and I know that in time things will settle down a bit. It just feels right now at this intersection of the journey that things feel bigger than I'm able to handle. I know that we shared this verse together quite a few times so I'm going to cling to it's promise once again. It helped us through our time together and I pray that it will do the same once again.

Phil 4:6
Don't be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds.

Mission Complete !

Mom, thank you for allowing me to love you and serve you over these last ten months. It has been truly an honor and blessing to have joined you along in this journey. I can't say enough about how amazing our family were in rising to the occassion to honor you in this way. The Lord gave us a tough assignment but we took each moment by moment.

You have no more...

meds
dialysis
nurses & doctors (their unemployed in heaven)
pain
Prostate (ask Mom about that later...)
artifical knees

Your whole and complete now Mom.

Thank you again for being such an amazing Mom to the family and me. Words can't begin to express what you've given me.
I love you to the core of my being for how amazing you have been in my life.

Lovingly Your Son,
Rodney

Thank You!

Thank you! Mom your amazing and we love you so much! Mom has decided to discontinue dialysis. It will now just be a matter of time before she will be home with the Lord. Mom has taught me so much through this journey I can't even begin to describe it in words here. I will write more as this week unfolds but for now our family would love to hear from you. If you have any stories, special moments with Mom or words of encouragement we would love for you to share them. Mom now has her own blog where you can post your own comments. Click on this link and you will be taken to her blog where you can share your stories, memories and words of encouragement. We would love for you to be able to share in this journey with us. Thanks again for your continued love, prayers and support during this time.

Vera Corey Blog

Mother's Day

It's the morning of Mother's Day. Today will be a very special day with Mom and our family together for what will be my last Mother's Day with Mom. The gift that she has given me to be able to love and care for her during this time will make the most lasting and profound impact on me. I'm going to savor every moment today. I pray that it will be a good day and that Mom will feel love and support in a way that she has never experienced before. My head is pretty cloudy. I was able to get away for the night and get some rest. It's hard to not to want to be around Mom all the time now because each moment is fleeting and when I hug, kiss or just love on Mom I never know if that could be the last time. All I do know for sure is that God let us have Mom for this special day and I'm grateful. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM ! I LOVE YOU !

Don't Know What To Say

Mom has started to say her goodbye's as family and friends come to visit her. Mom will discontinue dialysis over the course of the next few days. I'm not sure what to say or how to feel about her situation. I was laying on the coach the other night just watching family gather around the kitchen table and other places through the house. I just wanted to freeze time and capture the moment and savor it for all that it was worth.

I will write more I'm just completely exhausted. The next few days will probably be the hardest experience I will have to face for someone I love so dearly. This Mother's Day will be extra special.

It's In Her Eyes

I can't sleep and I'm restless tonight. It's hard to to see this look on my Mom but her eyes say it all. She's in transition and awaiting her appointed time. I'm not ready but once again I'm trying to remember this is not about me and has never been. I'm sleeping (or trying to) with my window open for the first time this year. Once again a reminder that the seasons are transitioning and more so in my life than just leaves budding or flowers blooming. This new season that is approaching can't be marked by a calendar or clock.

As much as Mom is anxious and fearful I also share the same sentiment. For once in my almost thirty-five years of life I will now have no living parents. I will still have family which I am thankful for greatly. However, there will be a void that will be impossible to fill. This support system will not be at my own disposal. My life is changing right before my very eyes and I'm having a real hard time in dealing with my Mom not being a part of my life. She has been my everything to me.

It's going on almost 2:30 in the morning and my eyes are getting heavy. I will try and get some sleep before another morning comes. I'm trying to do my best to keep it together. Mom told me I need to be brave just the other day. Wow! That's a word I haven't heard from my Mom since I was a kid. I'm trying my best to keep it together and be strong for Mom. I feel I'm almost at my breaking point and when that time comes I'm going to fall hard.

Spring is one of Mom's favorite times of the year. Today we sat on the porch and literally could almost watch the little green buds push their way open to create this new canvas of leaves on the trees. Mom's eyes say it all...she is looking forward to her new season. Her new season also can't be found on a calendar or clock either.

Arm Wrestling With God

I've been wanting to put some thoughts down for over a month now. The last few weeks have been hard to say the least. I'm wearing myself out arm wrestling with God. It's been difficult to explain or even understand for that matter but lately I've become bitter with how this journey is ending. I'm new to this journal online thing and I feel a bit vulnerable with being so open and honest with feelings but I guess that's what is part of the process.

Since my last post in April Mom's health and over-all quality of life has deteriorated considerably. Her apetite has become almost non-existent because it is hard for her to swallow and her stomach is almost constantly creating naseau. About three weeks ago we converted the living room and moved in a hospital bed. It was hard to see the realities of this make-shift bedroom. Fortunately Mom's sleep has improved somewhat since this transition.

Mom has come to the realization of her condition and how it is not improving. One of the dialysis Dr.'s explained it well when she said how one of the goals of dialysis is to help maintain and improve one's quality of life. Mom is having a difficult time with deciding when to discontinue dialysis. She understands that once she stops treatment her time will be short. Unfotunately the reality is, that time is near.

Recently Mom has expressed that she is not sure how much longer she will be able to endure dialysis treatments. The bottom line is Mom is tired and she feels she has had enough. We talked about this over the weekend and I expressed my concern that it would be a great gift if Mom could enjoy one more Mother's Day with us. As I write this on the Monday night of the week of Mother's Day, we are now full embracing each day as a gift. Mom has chosen to enudure dialysis this week so that Lord willing if possible we can be together one more Mother's Day as a family. By this weekend we will see where things are at and then Mom will make some decisions and choices as to what the future timeline will unfold.

I have been bitter with God a lot lately. I don't recommend arm wrestling with God but I would be lying if I didn't confess that we've been doing a lot of wrestling. I know I'm not suposed to be questioning God and all but it's been real hard to embrace this season when all the while Mom and myself have been praying for other end results.

I understand that this is just a season I'm experiencing during this stage but I must be candid that this is what I'm struggling with right now. Fortunately I just recieved in the mail today from Amazon.com some books that I've ordered. Henri Nouwen is my all-time favorite author and he has written a number of amazing books. One of the books is entitled The Greatest Gift which is a meditation about caring and dying. I haven't had a chance to read it yet because as soon as it came in the mail today my brother Ray picked up and hasn't put it down yet. The other book, again by the same author is entitled In Memoriam This book is an intimate reflection on the loss of Henri Nouwen's mother. I was blown away by the fact that he had written about book about the loss of his Mom.

I'm looking forward to digging into these books over the next few days. Through his insight and reflection I'm hoping to be able to process this bitter stage that I'm fighting with right now with God. On the back cover of In Memoriam is a quote that caught my attention it says...

"When a mother or father dies, the mystery of life reveals itself to us. It is precisely in the moments when we are most human, most in touch with what binds us together, that we discover the hidden depth of life." ---Henri J.M. Nouwen

I'm sure that I will be processing a lot more in the upcoming days. It's hard to be wrestling with God during this time. I'm hoping that this is just one part of the grieving process. Even in the midst of all of this, Mom continues to be so amazing. Her endurance and stamina continually amaze me.