Arm Wrestling With God

I've been wanting to put some thoughts down for over a month now. The last few weeks have been hard to say the least. I'm wearing myself out arm wrestling with God. It's been difficult to explain or even understand for that matter but lately I've become bitter with how this journey is ending. I'm new to this journal online thing and I feel a bit vulnerable with being so open and honest with feelings but I guess that's what is part of the process.

Since my last post in April Mom's health and over-all quality of life has deteriorated considerably. Her apetite has become almost non-existent because it is hard for her to swallow and her stomach is almost constantly creating naseau. About three weeks ago we converted the living room and moved in a hospital bed. It was hard to see the realities of this make-shift bedroom. Fortunately Mom's sleep has improved somewhat since this transition.

Mom has come to the realization of her condition and how it is not improving. One of the dialysis Dr.'s explained it well when she said how one of the goals of dialysis is to help maintain and improve one's quality of life. Mom is having a difficult time with deciding when to discontinue dialysis. She understands that once she stops treatment her time will be short. Unfotunately the reality is, that time is near.

Recently Mom has expressed that she is not sure how much longer she will be able to endure dialysis treatments. The bottom line is Mom is tired and she feels she has had enough. We talked about this over the weekend and I expressed my concern that it would be a great gift if Mom could enjoy one more Mother's Day with us. As I write this on the Monday night of the week of Mother's Day, we are now full embracing each day as a gift. Mom has chosen to enudure dialysis this week so that Lord willing if possible we can be together one more Mother's Day as a family. By this weekend we will see where things are at and then Mom will make some decisions and choices as to what the future timeline will unfold.

I have been bitter with God a lot lately. I don't recommend arm wrestling with God but I would be lying if I didn't confess that we've been doing a lot of wrestling. I know I'm not suposed to be questioning God and all but it's been real hard to embrace this season when all the while Mom and myself have been praying for other end results.

I understand that this is just a season I'm experiencing during this stage but I must be candid that this is what I'm struggling with right now. Fortunately I just recieved in the mail today from Amazon.com some books that I've ordered. Henri Nouwen is my all-time favorite author and he has written a number of amazing books. One of the books is entitled The Greatest Gift which is a meditation about caring and dying. I haven't had a chance to read it yet because as soon as it came in the mail today my brother Ray picked up and hasn't put it down yet. The other book, again by the same author is entitled In Memoriam This book is an intimate reflection on the loss of Henri Nouwen's mother. I was blown away by the fact that he had written about book about the loss of his Mom.

I'm looking forward to digging into these books over the next few days. Through his insight and reflection I'm hoping to be able to process this bitter stage that I'm fighting with right now with God. On the back cover of In Memoriam is a quote that caught my attention it says...

"When a mother or father dies, the mystery of life reveals itself to us. It is precisely in the moments when we are most human, most in touch with what binds us together, that we discover the hidden depth of life." ---Henri J.M. Nouwen

I'm sure that I will be processing a lot more in the upcoming days. It's hard to be wrestling with God during this time. I'm hoping that this is just one part of the grieving process. Even in the midst of all of this, Mom continues to be so amazing. Her endurance and stamina continually amaze me.